


Sometimes, You Just Have To Scream In A Front Garden Until You Get What You Want

by maximum_overboner



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Banter, Gen, The power of friendship, for a birthday, light and fluffy, papyrus is too pure, undyne is like 'you're too nice for this dude'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 05:25:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8955769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maximum_overboner/pseuds/maximum_overboner
Summary: It's hard to relax when you're Undyne. Especially when there's a skeleton in your front garden that won't shut up about being let into the Royal Guard.





	

**Author's Note:**

> a birthday gift! i hope you enjoy it!

Waterfall was exquisitely beautiful.

A cave system that branched out from the massive cavern that was the Underground, carved through millions of years of erosion, lit with clumps of bioluminescent algae that were soft and slimy to the touch. It liked the tangled together, too dense to float, until it sunk to the bottom of the waterways and you could walk across the carpeted lakes, if you were tall enough. Echo flowers murmured, faint and unintelligible unless you were to press your ears to them, into a thin sea of consonants that chirped like birdsong. It cultivated an atmosphere of pressure. Of quiet. Of remembrance. For what once was, and what might have been of the Monsters. What was once an oppressive tomb was now looked upon fondly as age had worn away most of the older Monsters, with the deepest contentions, away to dust, and waterfall could be seen for what it was. And every time Undyne looked to the ceiling, she couldn’t help but smile as the thousands of glittering ‘stars’ shone--

“ _UNDYNEEEEEEEEE!_ ”

Undyne blinked awake, her slow, warmed thoughts dying away to reality. Oh God.

“ _UUUNDYNEEEEEEEEEEE_ _I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!_ ”

He was still there.

“ _U TO THE N TO THE D TO THE... YNE_.”

If he had pom poms she was going to flip.

She threw herself out of bed, adjusted her nightshirt as she the thundered out of her bedroom and to the kitchen window. There he was, in short shorts, light-up sneakers and a tank top.

“ _CAPTAIN UUUUUNDYNEEEEEE--!_ ”

She channelled all the anger she could summon, which was a considerable amount.

**_“WHAT?!”_ **

“HI!” he responded unperturbed. “I WAS JUST WONDERING IF--”

_**“NO!”** _

She slammed the window shut so hard the panes shattered, and she slapped her forehead in frustration. Some day off this was.

There was brief, beautiful silence outside.

“ _UUUUNDYNEEEEEEEEEE!_ ”

She punched the now ruined window open.

_**“WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!”** _

“A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME!”

“You have been there for _twelve hours!_ ”

“A MOMENT THAT IS NOWHERE NEAR THAT LONG.”

Undyne leaned out of the window, summoned a spear in her hand with expert technique, and obliterated the rock three feet away from him in an astonishing feat of strength before slamming it shut and ruining what little of the framework was left.

_“Take the hint!!”_

“WOW...” Papyrus said with hushed reverence, “IF YOU WERE AIMING FOR ME YOU’RE A TERRIBLE SHOT!”

Papyrus heard a muffled shriek of agony from inside the house, rocking on his heels with his hands tucked neatly behind his back. She kicked the door open, let out a primal howl of frustration, and advanced, shoulders squared, showing off her muscles, nightmask hanging from her hair. Her face was millimetres from his, and she bared her massive, jagged teeth.

“ _ **WHAT--**_ ”

“GOOD MORNING!”

Undyne was at a loss. She blinked once, and then twice, before backing away a little to give him space. Who the hell was this guy?

“I WANT INTO THE ROYAL GUARD,” he declared, “AND I WANT IN NOW.”

... What the hell?

“You can apply on paper, you don’t need to come get me. Go home, kid.”

“A PIECE OF PAPER DOESN’T UNEQUIVOCALLY PROVE HOW DETERMINED I AM! I WANT TO LOOK YOU IN THE EYES AS I SAY IT; I WANT IN.”

Her demeanour softened, finding a quality she admired, though her guard was still up. She then looked to his light up sneakers, backwards cap and callow, unruffled demeanour, and decided no. How old was he?

“Look, I appreciate that you’re stubborn, but I don’t know if--”

He pulled her into a hug, one that was surprisingly strong.

“OH MY GOD UNDYNE I’M SO EXCITED TO FINALLY MEET YOU PROPERLY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU’RE SO COOL CAN I TOUCH YOUR MUSCLES?”

She broke the embrace, dusting herself off.

“Whoa! Not interested, I don’t swing that way.”

“I DIDN’T MEAN LIKE THAT, I KNOW YOU’RE A THESPIAN! I’M JUST-- I’M SO EXCITED, IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! I HAVE YOUR ACTION FIGURE!”

Undyne paused, looking him over, completely at a loss.

“... I don’t have an action figure?”

“I MADE ONE OUT OF PIPE CLEANERS AND TINFOIL,” he squealed, “I USE IT TO BEAT UP THE REST IN THOSE PLAY-PRETEND FIGHTS I DON’T EVER DO, ALONE, WITH THE VOICES ACTED OUT.”

He seemed so earnest. So innocent. Too nice to even shout at to get lost.

Dammit.

“... What’s your name, anyway?”

“DID YOU NOT HEAR IT? I SCREAMED IT AT YOUR WINDOW FOR FOUR HOURS LAST NIGHT.”

Ohh, that’s what that was. Undyne remembered turning up her white noise machine until it resembled something ungodly, and just sleeping to that. It countered the racket with its own, slightly more relaxing, wall of noise.

“IT’S... PAPYRUS!”

She held her chin, before swooping her hand up to rest in her hair, unsure of how she should word this. Punching was easy! This was not. Maybe it was just like punching with her words? Though the thought of saying anything that would upset him or, God forbid, make him cry twisted something in her gut. She could ward him off gently. Her bare feet squished wetly against the grass, pacing with her back straight as if doling out orders. In an oversized stained pyjama shirt she commanded total, blind respect, and Papyrus stood to attention and saluted to acknowledge it.

“The entry requirements are stringent! You must be able to, bare minimum, perform forty situps in a minute! Forty pushups! Six pullups, real ones--!”

“-- SIX DIPS, BE ABLE BENCH-PRESS EIGHTY PERCENT OF YOUR BODY WEIGHT, CLIMB TWENTY FEET OF ROPE IN ARMOUR, AT LEAST SIX KIP UPS, FOUR BOUTS OF SHUTTLE RUNNING AND CLEAR FIVE MILES IN UNDER FORTY MINUTES, WITH NO MORE THAN A MINUTE BREAK IN BETWEEN! I KNOW IT ALL BY HEART, I READ ALL THE OLD HISTORY BOOKS!”

Back when it was the Royal Army, Undyne thought bitterly, before the war she had never seen. When there were Majors, Colonels, Generals. She was open to take any rank above Captain, but it felt wrong. Not with the amount of bodies she had for when the war came.

God, Papyrus would be chewed up and spat out at the first sign of a real conflict. And now she didn’t have the luxury of denying him on health grounds, the entry requirements were so outdated now, none of the dogs had to do any of this. But she could sure as hell try. A real heroine. Lying to an innocent man to preserve his feelings. Go Undyne.

“Did I say you could speak?” She barked, putting on her most convincing drill sergeant impression to scare him off.

“NO, CAPTAIN! IT JUST SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA. I’VE DONE THEM ALL BEFORE!” Papyrus proclaimed, puffing out his chest with warranted pride, “AND WITH A TIME THAT I THINK CAN BE CONSIDERED FAR ABOVE BARE MINIMUM!”

“Did I say you could speak!?”

“I MEAN, YOU ASKED A QUESTION.”

Oh God, it wasn’t taking. The softer ones always shirked away when she would shout.

“There's a high standard in place, and anyone below it will be cut!”

Papyrus looked spooked.

“... Not literally!”

“OH THANK GOD.”

Maybe she could just... Exhaust him?

“Drop and give--!”

Papyrus was doing frantic pushups in the time it had taken her to trail off, hands braced to the mud and with perfect form.

“You didn’t let me finish!”

“YOU DON’T NEED TO! I’LL DO PUSHUPS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, UNTIL I CAN’T ANY MORE!”

Undyne was growing to like him, which made her task even harder. Even if she were completely candid, she felt as if he wouldn’t accept the answer, and while she could admire that ruthless tenacity it wasn’t helping her.

“This is important! You gotta keep up an intense regime of training if you wanna get in the Guard!”

Papyrus was moving with such force that Undyne was worried he was going to punch his way through the ground and dig out to the other side of the Earth. “YES!”

“It’s gonna be hard!”

“OH MY GOD, YES!”

“It’s gonna be tough!”

“I’M SO READY!”

“Best of the very best!”

“I’M GOING TO CRY!”

“We always need non-combatants--!”

He stopped.

“NO.”

Undyne brought her palms to her face. She was trying to give him an out, why couldn’t he just take it!

He stood up slowly, to his full height, scraping the mud off his hands.

“Papyrus... How’d you think you would do in a combat situation? Humans get here and start killing left and right, what do you do?”

“I DON’T THINK IT WILL EVER GET THAT FAR, BUT I’M NOT AFRAID TO DEFEND MYSELF.”

“What about if you have to instigate?”

Papyrus went quiet, scuffing the grass with his sneakers. At the motion, they lit up.

“... I’M NOT AFRAID TO DEFEND MYSELF,” he repeated softly, his bombast caving.

“To the death...?”

“TO A POINT.”

Great, he was _really_ soft, too. Couldn’t kick a marshmallow’s ass.

... Did he even know what being in the Guard would involve? War?

Undyne felt her scar.

Injury?

“I DON’T THINK WE’LL GO TO WAR,” Papyrus chirped in a manner that made Undyne feel like she was taking a hot poker to the eye, “NOT REALLY. NOTHING THAT CAN’T BE SOLVED WITH A FEW SITDOWNS, AND SOME SNACKS.”  
  
Holy hell.

“Then why join?”

“I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I’M COOL. TO LOOK AT ME IN THE STREET AND GO ‘HEY, THAT’S PAPYRUS!’ INSTEAD OF ‘OH GOD, IT’S HIM’.”

Undyne looked to him with pity. She could rant until the cows came home, why couldn’t she tell this dumbass that he wasn’t allowed in? It felt like kicking a puppy.

“NOT THAT THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME, WHILE I WAS RUNNING THROUGH TOWN, EVERY DAY.”

Oh. That was why. The prestige, the camaraderie, the respect. Poor bastard.

“AND I... I NEED THE JOB. I NEED THE MONEY, I JUST MOVED WITH MY BROTHER, AND HE’S LOST HIS JOB SO WE’RE STARTING TO GET STRAPPED FOR CASH... BUT I’M NOT HERE TO GIVE YOU A SOB STORY!”

God, what was this mushy sentimental crap? Why was it working? Undyne cursed quietly. Someone shows up on her front door and she’s reeled in by the gills. There must be somewhere she could stick him, where he could pretend to be important and get paid while she had peace of mind.

“... Training! Yeah, yeah, you’ve been selected for... Special training!”

He lit up like a firework, grabbing her shoulders.

“REALLY?”

“Yeah! You can be a sentry! And you’ll be working towards, uh...”

He looked like he was going to cry.

“Um... Yeah... Well... What we need is, uh...”

Every single resource available, the Guard was a shadow of its former self held only together by Undyne’s grit.

“-- Cooks!! Yeah, yeah, that’s it, you wanna be a chef?”

“NOPE!”

“Yeah you do, who doesn’t?!”

“ME.”

“Gotta support the cause with food when the time comes!”

“I WANT TO BE FRONTLINE INFANTRY.”

“More like foodline infantry!”

“THAT’S NOT A REAL DIVISION.”

“It is! I just made it! Congratulations, trainee!”

Undyne gave him a pat on the back, manic, accidentally knocking him to the ground.

“This training?” She said, feeling a deep need to protect him that even she found unsettling, “you’re the only guy that’s gonna get it, direct from me.”

Something clicked in Papyrus, and his scepticism fell away to boyish glee at the mere prospect of people knowing he would be in the Guard after his training. To be cool! To be popular! To be Papyrus! To have even a single friend to call his own!

“I’M SO HAPPY! CAN MY BROTHER BE A SENTRY, TOO?”

“Is he fit, healthy and able?”

“HE HAS EYES.”

“That’ll do.”  
  
Undyne turned around, to look at her broken window, before looking back to Papyrus. Next to him was a garden chair, as well as some snacks.

“How long were you planning to stay out here?”

“AS LONG AS IT TOOK.”

Undyne flashed him a grin, relieved. Chef. God. He had bought it.

“You’re... You’re really determined.”

“ABSOLUTELY!”

“You’ve got guts.”

“THAT WAS A REMARKABLY INSENSITIVE THING TO SAY, ON ACCOUNT OF ME BEING A SKELETON, BUT I’M GOING TO IGNORE IT. I DO.”

Undyne shrugged, never one for subtlety. She was getting cold.

“Where ya from?”

“THE CAPITAL! BUT I LIVE IN SNOWDIN NOW. WE CAN GO THERE RIGHT NOW, IF YOU DON’T HAVE PLANS.”

“Whoa, aren’t you gonna be busy when you get back--”

Papyrus laughed, loud and innocent.

“I’M NEVER BUSY!”

Probably because he was alone, she mused.

“HOP ON! I’LL CARRY YOU THERE AND PROVE HOW STRONG I AM! YOU WON’T REGRET THIS.”

Undyne snorted derisively, walking to her home, Papyrus following in turn.

“I was gonna show off and carry you,” she joked, letting her rough edges soften.

“NOPE! ONCE YOU GET DRESSED, HOP ON.”

Her pride actually stung a little at the prospect, and she felt her blood fire up until she was shouting again.

“What?! No! I’m the Captain, and I know a thing about carrying people! It’s my speciality! _I put my heart in it!_ ”

“I’VE BEEN TRAINING FOR YEARS, LET ME CARRY YOU!”

“No! You hop on!”

“ _NO!!_ ”

“I’ll carry _YOU!_ ”

“ _I’LL CARRY YOU!!_ ”

“We’ll carry each other and float our way there!”

“ _FINE!_ ”


End file.
